Soliloquy: From a Working Woman to a Plain Housewife for Two Months

Me when not working, feeling cozy.  

This my soliloquy.  This is my blog.  #Respect

I have a love-hate relationship with work.  I love it more than I hate it.  My mindset is - work is a sanctifying grace.  It has always been like that since the day I joined the workforce six months before I graduated from college. I don't think it's going to change. 

Work taught me a lot of valuable things, including a great deal of patience, and respect for individual differences.  I'm still learning new things along the way.  I sometimes hate work, when it imposes its tendency to take away precious time from people and things I love.  I can always decide to keep it at bay, but what if sometimes, I care too much?  You know that hard wired 'malasakit' in Tagalog.  

Every time the doctors and genuinely concerned people would tell me to slow down, I find it really hard.  For a time, I couldn't differentiate 'busy' from 'very busy'.  

I have been on leave from work for almost a month now.  It's time to hit the brakes, and be on a much needed downtime to do some reassessment.  

I may have lost a child in my womb, but after days of retreat and grieving, I realized the baby is now part of who I am, part of my marriage with my greatest love. We never had the chance to hold the baby in our arms, but he/she will always be in our hearts, and will continue to inspire us to become a better couple, better parents (in God's time), better family.    

I received kind thoughts, not only from family and closest friends but also from people I did not expect to care.  I do not have high or low expectations of people.  I just learned not to expect anything from anyone, but I can only hope for people's genuine kindness.  My learning about the value of family and old-time friendship resurfaced.  With them, I can be myself and not be judged.  I can eat lunch while sobbing uncontrollably, in public, and they would not turn their back at me in shame, because they knew of depression. I should love them more.  For the quality time, yes, I am ultimately working on it.  I forgive myself for any misgivings, and I pray that I may also be forgiven.  

For how many times do I need to remind myself, I cannot please everybody. At some point, my heart would be badly broken by people I cared for, or at least respected.  Over the years, I learned about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.  I tend not to delve into negativity.  Tempted to take a few steps, but no, I do not want dark thoughts, a jaded heart.  I openly let go of toxic things, and toxic people.  My way of saving myself from being dragged down to a darker alley of deceit or untruthfulness, or playing host to a person's parasitic ambitions. I simply do not want to rub off the negative to the positive-minded people in my life.  Sorry, but not sorry.

I'm starting to feel lighter now, figuratively.  It helps to be kind to oneself, so we can also extend the same kindness to the people around us. 

Oh, and universe, please shower me with more healthy baby dust!  :)